Diminishing Importance of Christmas...?

When I was younger, Christmas day was very much a big deal. I was sure I was gonna get a new dress (which was usually one annoyin ball gown with puffed up sleeves and a belt behind to be worn with white socks and what we now call "Mary Janes"). I was assured of a new hairdo. I was sure my mother was atleast gonna buy one or two "live" chickens. I was sure they were gonna tie up christmas lights everywhere in the sitting room and place Xmas cards (old and new) on them. But wait sha, we were razz oh! Someone would give us a Christmas card in 1965 and we would still have it and use it to decorate the house in 1980! Chei!

Watching them kill the live chickens was always a delight for me (does that make me sound like a blood thirsty person?? Woreva jor!). After killing the chicken(s), we'd soak them in hot water to make the feathers soft and subsequently pluck out all the feathers one by one. It was so much fun for me doing all that. Enter 2010, tell me to do anything with a chicken (other than eat it :-D) and you wont even get a response, lol.

As recently as 2-3yrs ago, the town starts to get empty once it's 22nd December. On 25th December, you'd hardly see any cars on the road, churches were usually scanty because every1 would be in their village for Christmas. Everywhere would have a ghost-town feel to it and this also added to the appeal of the season; Even the harmattan added to it to give that special Xmas feeling.

Enter 2010. I went out this morning and I was amazed at the number of commercial activities going on. By the way, there was hardly ever any Harmattan this year, as a matter of fact, I have never seen such a harmatanless year since my mama born me! The jar of vaseline I bought in prepaation has just been wasting, maybe I should go back and demand a refund sef, abi?

As I was saying, when I went out this morning, I was blown away by the hustle and bustle. There were cars everywhere, people everywhere, buses everywhere. None of that ghost-town effect was there. Most shops were open for business. I saw about 150 open hair dressing salons, 300 boutiques, CD shops, Supermarkets, EVEN furniture shops were open. Na who wan buy chairs on Xmas day? Paint shops were open; who is gonna wanna paint on Xmas day? Markets were in full swing....people selling plantains, fruits, akara....Nothing was different...

It never used to be like this....atleast not on Xmas day gan gan...

And I'm wondering.....Is it that the value of Christmas is diminishing?? Or is that too many people are now too poor to be bothered? Rather than think of celebrating this special day, they think of how much sales they migh lose if they close shop today. Should they be blamed?

Someone might argue, it is a day to spend with family and just chill. But really, of what use is family time if they cant get decent meals to eat or decent shelter?

Or maybe, besides minimal funds, people are now scared to travel to their villages for fear of being kidnapped? Everybody is now a potential kidnap victim; whether you are rich or poor is inconsequential. Or maybe they are scared of travelling on roads that are now worse than ever before....or just maybe, they are scared of robbers on the road who increase per second largely due to the crazily high unemployment rate and/or an almost non-existent educational structure.....It gets worse in this country...

AND..... there was a bomb blast this morning in Jos. So while we're busy texting and calling to exchange greetings, some other are mourning the loss of loved ones, some others can't mourn, they can't text nor call, they lay somewhere unmoving, oblivious to the uniqueness of today....oblivious to the merriment....

I pray God gives the affected people the strength to bear their losses....My heart goes out to them...

Randomly Speaking....

It's Xmas day...finally. I still don't feel the Xmas feeling...mayb whn I start my cooking for d day, I will...

The people who live behind my house just never stop talking and their babies never stop crying...I don't gerrit. Even on Xmas day whn they are supposed to be soberly reflecting...

It's Xmas day and there's no light. Nepa sef *smh*

I went to the salon to relax or retouch my hair, as they call it. I think it should be called RETORCHING bcos my brain was on fire. Everytime I put myself thru this torture, I promise myself never to do it again. I felt like my brain cells were being shrunk by acid. See me repeatedly tapping my feet on the floor like a masquerade dancer. But then, if I don't "retorch" my hair, it will be so strong that combing it will also destroy my brain cells. Lose-lose situation. So now I've concluded that my brain cells will be more functional if I had NO HAIR (aka Gorimapa). Who knows I could have invented something by now if not for all this hair wahala I have had to go thru since I was six months old (retorching, drying, perming, weaving, braiding etc etc)

I'm blogging with my phone and it isn't half as fun as it i with my lappy...so I'll be back...

Merry Xmas!!!

You'll Never Understand Everything

In the past two or three days, some people around me have decided to go mad. As in full blown madness. During my long wait at the airport some days ago, I was reading "The Rules of Life" by Richard Templar.

RULE # 34: You'll Never Understand Everything

"Look, we are tiny complex humans in a huge complex world. It's all so unimaginably, fantastically strange and believe me, we'll never be able to understand everything. Once you grasp this rule, you'll sleep easier at night.

There are likely to be a few things going on around you right now, as there always will be, that will remain slightly out of your comprehension . People will behave oddly and you wont understand why. Things will go unexpectedly wrong - or right and it won't make any sense. Spend all your time desperately trying to work it all out and you'll drive yourself crazy...

Stuff is going on around us at such a rate we'll never get to the bottom of it.....Because as fast as we try, pictures change, new information comes in and our understanding alters.

Be curious, ask questions, wonder to yourself, talk to other people if you like - but know that this won't always give you a clear and concrete answer. People don't always make sense. Life doesn't always make sense. Let it go and discover the peace of mind that comes with knowing that you'll never understand everything. Sometimes it just is..."

I have a friend who has refused to talk to anyone for two weeks. Lol. She donmadt. I had been calling her for a week, she didnt take my calls. A mutual friend of ours called and complained about the same thing. I got into town and decided to go hijack her from her office. Even at work, she wasnt talking to any of her colleagues except necessary. I saw her and she looked mad. I asked why why she wasnt taking her calls and she said nothing. I asked her if I had done anything wrong. she said no.

We subsequently spent the rest of the day together, gisting like she was sane. And then she told me she was tired of the world and was just not in the mood to talk to people and that it was nothing personal against anyone. She said she wanted to go somewhere and lie down in a cold and dark place, unmoving.

That sounded like a grave to me and I told her as much. And she said she's much rather be in the grave than be alive :-O. According to her "life is hard, it's just so much easier to just lie down in one place and be obliged to move".

She don mad, truly truly. She has always been mad sha, so I'm not surprised. And she is one of the few humans whom I can't get mad at. Regardless of what she does. I just love her like that. Because beneath all that dark and twisted exterior, she has a really good heart....

Her case is just the mildest......as for the others, like Ricard Templar said, I guess I'll never understand! So I'm not even gonna bother trying....

Cheating & Blackberry

Cheating and blackberry. Or blackberry and cheating. I wonder which one sounds better. Anyway!

I was having one of my sleepless nights yesterday when my friend came out of his room at about 2am, panting like someone they were pursuing. And then he says, almost out of breath, "please I need to talk with you urgently". Na so I follow am enter my room and he shut the door for effect (there were other people awake in the sitting room).

At this point ehn, I couldnt wait to hear the gist. My ears were standing like mad. Finally, after plenty heavy breathing and sorrowful glances, he told me he'd just discovered his Nnwanem was cheating on him. I don't even know what Nnwanem means but thats what I call her cos she's Igbo.

And I go "o-o-okay! And you know this because?"

He went on to tell me how he had just "investigated" her blackberry while she was asleep. His motive was that she had been acting funny recently and being overly protective of her phone even when he wasnt interested in the contents.

For effect, he went back into the room, got her blackberry and showed me the shocking things he'd found. Even me sef, as I read am, my eyes became wide with surprise, my mouth was open and I had tears in my eyes. I really like(d) the girl, so I was/still am heartbroken.

She had a constant flow of communication with a guy who had just come back to 9ja and there were details of her going over to visit him in Lagos this weekend. Meanwhile, she had lied to her bobo that she needed to go submit some documents bla bla. They generally just had some pretty intimate conversations.

THEN.....

There was another guy who she had been chatting with on BBM.

Guy B: Do you enjoy kissing me? (and some other kiss related talks that I dont remember)
Her: Yes
Guy: How would you rate me on a scale of 1 to 10 (me, still thinking say na kiss dem dey talk about)
Her: 6
Guy: Did you have an Oh gee (and I'm wondering, is that a new ice cream flavour or smthn)
Her: Huh?
Guy: Did you have an orgasm (at this point, my eyes bcame so wide, I thot they wld pop out)
Her: Yes! (duh? If she really did, wld you need to ask her hours later, dumb guys! that's bdw)
Guy: I hope you didnt forget to take the pills? (at this point, my heart just broke into a million pieces)

She was just not cheating. She was cheating and intending to cheat with random people. She was just not having sex with other people, she was doing so without protection. If I hadn't seen these messages korokoro, I might not have believed.

This is a girl that has been forming church church. They started attending foundation classes together in church. She sleeps over almost everyday and she suggested they do morning devotion together. She'd even suggested to my friend that they start practicing abstitence and he shockingly obliged her because he genuinely liked her. Hell, he just stole her ring from her sister to get her finger size! My guy has been telling me how he can't wait to marry her and all. This is a bad guys who decided to mellow down for one woman. We live in the same house and I can vouch that he's been sincere with this lady.

And she had to go and break our hearts. Everyday, I see one more reason to be cynical. Why are human beings so untrustworthy. Why? Why can't people just be sincere?? Too many lies. Too much falsehood. Too much pretence. My friend was visibly shaking and he couldnt sleep for the rest of the night. I advised him not to wake her up nor talk about it just yet. Even me, I lay on my bed just going over everything, and I was just sad. I'm still sad. He wants me to say something, I'm short of words.

He still hasn't confronted her....can't wait for when he does...

I have a low tolerance for infidelity. And sadly, I'm so gender biased that my tolerance is even lower for women. It's not logical, I cant explain it but that's just the way I'm wired. I can stand a cheating man more than I can a cheating woman. I believe women are a stronger set of people, I believe we have been given more responsibility to uphold certain values, to show the men the right way when they are deviating...So it breaks my heart each time I see a woman deviating....

I'm not trying to be judgemental or anything. I'm just expressing my sadness. In as much as I am cynical, I also have my optimistic nature lurking somewhere. It's contradictory but na so I dey. Each time I see one more reason not to trust people, my heart sinks.

And this blackberry sef. I think it has more cons than pros. Half of the things people yap about on it are total rubbish. Just my opinion tho....

The Still, Small Voice

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see"

I heard this gist about a man who was driving home one rainy evening in London and saw a lady stranded under the rain. He heard a still, small voice tell him to help her and he ignored the voice and drove past. After a few seconds, the voice prompted him again and he drove back and picked the woman up. She was grateful and told him she had never had anyone be this kind to her in all her years in jand.

She asked him where he was from and he said Nigeria. She was Somalian but married to a Nigerian, coincidentally. And after further conversation, she discovered the good samaritan even came from the same village as her husband. She went further to tell him they were actually in the process of getting a divorce due to irreconcilable differences. He probed further and discovered the reason for their differences, most of it stemmed from her misunderstanding of the typical Nigerian man, culture and otherwise.

He felt he should make an effort to explain certain things to her and after he was done with that, she had a clearer understanding of her husband. Subsequently, their divorce process was terminated as she made up her mind to make her marriage work after talking with the stranger that helped her under the rain.

After this, she was so touched by this man's impact on her life, she knelt down and cried to God from the depth of her heart to bless this man and as she prayed, she got a prompting to specifically ask God to bless this man and his wife with a child. Prior to this, she knew next to nothing about this man, didnt know whether or not he even needed a child. But she just had a strong conviction to do so.

Meanwhile, the man had problems of his own. He had been married for 9 years without a child. He had prayed, cried, fasted, waited, done everything. But he didnt share this with the woman he'd helped.

Five months later, it occured to her to share with him her prayer to God. She asked if he had a child and he said no. She then told him how five months ago, she'd had a strong conviction to ask God to bless him with a child as reward for saving her marriage. And at this time, his wife had miraculously gotten pregnant. And she was exactly five months pregnant. Exactly.

Sometimes, all we need to get our breakthrough is just one very little, seemingly inconsequential thing.
Obeying that still small voice to do that seemingly illogical or silly thing may just be it. All he needed to do was help someone under the rain.

I'm one of those people who dont believe in randomness. Life is not a series of random events. I strongly believe that for every person I meet, every sermon I hear, every book I read, there's a higher purpose to it than what I can see. I believe that God has already pre-destined for it to happen EXACTLY the way it is. Even the pain I've been through, it was destined to serve a higher purpose. Pain is a servant. That purpose might not be known to me immediately, it may not even make sense at the exact time it happens, but eventually God reveals those things to me. He lets me know why I met a particular person. He lets me know why He let me go through certain things. It doesnt have to be immediate. His ways areafterall not our ways and a thousand days are like a day to Him. I'm not much of a prayer warrior but one of my constant prayers to Him is to give me the grace to constantly be in line with His will and purpose for my life. If pain is part of what has been pre-ordained for me, Lord please let me not escape that pain. Sounds crazy abi. This is not a one-off prayer; It requires constant renewal. Because in this digital age, it is so very easy to deviate. Too easy to step outside the lines..

I have added a new prayer: Lord may I not miss that still, small voice.....

I'm feeling very spiri spiri this night...and for the second night in a row, I'm not sleeping...it's not like I can't sleep...I just don't wanna for no reason whatsoever. Maybe I'm supposed to be praying or something...I just feel a restlessness in my spirit..in a good way sha. I'm giving myself like 30 minutes, if I'm still awake, I just might come back here!

And The Robbers Came Visiting...

I was gonna talk about the amazing day I had yesterday or continue with my toaters' assessment. However, something hapened today that shook me to my core. And for record purposes, I just have to talk about it and unburden my soul.

I was awoken by my friend's tapping on my shoulder and her calling my name. This was about 3am or so. Immediately I woke up, the first thing she said was "armed robbers" and then I heard a female voice screaming "Armed robbers!!! Please somebody help". She kept on saying it repeatedly with a sharp voice that pierced the quiteness of the night abi na early morning.

See me in action who is usually a deep sleeper and find it hard to wake up sharp sharp. Omo, immediately I heard all that, my brain was 100% alert. I quickly stood up, grabbed my phone by my side and ran out of the room into another room where my friend's flatmate was with his girlfriend. (It's not my house as I recently just moved here and need a place to stay in the mean time). I knocked and it took him some seconds to open his door which felt like hours. He and his babe were obviously awake already as they were closer to the screams than we were.

It's past 2pm now and typing this, I'm still shaking and my heart is still beating. Meanwhile, my friend who woke me up was still in our room, imagine! I was so pissed, wondering why she was still there but I couldnt go back. Typing is even traumatising. I'm beginning to hyperventilate again, I think I should chill for a few mins and continue............................

Ok, I took a 30-minute break. I'll try and keep going. We finally all got into the room and we were a total of five people, four females and one male. I think the male presence helped. It didnt seem like it at the time but now I'm trying to imagine what it would have been like if he wasnt there.

The lady in the next flat kept screaming at the top of her lungs and freaking us all out. I started chanting "blood of Jesus". At some point, my lips could no longer move to make a coherent word. My friend (the male) kept trying to dial different numbers and they were all switched off. My friend (the female) eventually got through to her brother who doesnt even stay in Abuja. But he has a friend who stays in the estate and he called him and that one called the "security" at the main gate who called the police. Long thing.

At this point, me I just dey shake. I shook more than a leaf. I tried to pray but my lips just couldnt move. Na so cold start to catch me, I carry bedsheet cover myself, after a while, I added a thick duvet. With all that, I kept shivering.

My whole body was shaking from head to toe. Shaking violently and out of control. And then I remembered that my friend is asthmatic. I just silenty prayed she had her inhaler with her just incase she got an attack because at some point, she started coughing. It wasnt funny. The screaming lady was still screaming. It was a terrifying sound.

Then we heard a gun shot, and there was silence. Total silence. The screams had stopped and that was when we started thinking the worst had happened. Maybe the screaming lady had been silenced. Jesus! Na so all of us lie down for ground because we didnt know what was happenin nor where the shot came from.

I remember holding someone's hand and hers too was shaking like hell. My whole body was wobbly. I was suddenly feverish and nauseous, I thought I was gonna throw up and or just faint. I'm still feverish sef. Under this hot Abuja sun, I'm cold and my temperature is up. At this point, I had to open my mouth and take very deep breaths to calm my self. It worked a bit. I started singing "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence commeth my help". Small small, even while I was shakin, I started praying against the spirit of fear and that calmed me down a bit.

After what felt like ages, someone from the other flat confirmed that they had gone. We sha went outside and saw two policemen who had obviously scared them away with the gun shot. I cant even say everything. We went back inside the house and by this time, it was 4am. No way was I gonna go back to bed. We just stayed in the sitting room, talking till morning. I even went to the kitchen to scrub pots, just to take my mind off. My eyes were almost permanently darting to the window desperately wanting to get a glimpse of dawn or sunlight. At this point, I was sick. Fever, nausea, headache, stomach ache, I needed to shit. I didnt know fear could make someborri shit. I thought it was only piss. But I was so freaked out that I needed dawn to break to be able to go to the toilet.

Meanwhile, my friend's flatmate had had a dream the previous day or 2days ago about being robbed and I had also had a dream about him and his babe urging me into his room. These dreams happened the same day. I dont even wanna get into that one.

Morning finally came. I still couldnt sleep. I had had only two hours of sleep having slept really late. I started hyperventilating again, I couldnt breathe. I made myself a really really hot cup of ginger tea to jolt me back to life. After that, I tried to catch some sleep for about 30mins.

Somewhere in my sleep, I heard my friend making a call to her madam at work saying she couldnt go to work because she was psychologically unstable. Lol. This thing no be joke. Me I had even forgotten I had a phone, I didnt call nobody. The guy who alerted the cops came to see us and even put more fear in us. This morning, the police also picked up our gate man because he was a huge suspect. Infact, I cant type again, I don tire. Very traumatising experience. I no go sleep for that house this night. It is haunted.

Is It By Force??

This morning, my alarm woke me up while I was in the middle of a dream. In the dream, I was about to hear a very juicy gist just at the same time my alarm went off. So annoying, lol!

Anyways, I was barely awake when my friend who slept over said in a very serious tone "I have to talk to you about something". In a serious tone oh! Even before she said goodmorning sef.

Usually when someone says that, I prepare to hear something somewhat serious and I told her I was listening.

And she said "I think it's high time you get yourself a boyfriend". Mssscheeeeew
If you see the long hiss I hissed ehn! As in! That is the something she wanted to talk about. Like seriously? Are you kidding me. Thats the first thing someone says to me in the morning. I couldnt stop hissing, laughing and shaking my head all at the same time.

Firstly, we had had this same discussion a million times before and I just could not understand why she'd bring it up first thing in the morning!

I asked if she'd dreamt of me or something and she said no. She just thinks it's high time I get involved with someone. "Out of all these many men flocking around you, can't you just choose one? Are you trying to say out of the lot, there's none that is remotely close to what you want?"

I thought about it for a second and I answered in the negative. There was absolutely none I wanted. And being one of those people who don't date just for the fun of it, I consider it totally cruel wasting a man's time knowing it'll lead to nowhere. Dont ask me how I know. I just do.

I need to be able to connect. You know, bond. And I don't feel any connection with anyone. The only one I connect with right now is me! Trust me, if I meet someone I connect with, I won't hesitate.

And she goes: Yeah yeah, that was what you said last year...bla bla...and she launched into my biography...

Sometimes, people around me make me feel like I'm the one who has a problem by being overly selective and all of that. And I do not agree. I'm just a person who knows what she wants and isnt afraid to wait for it.

Anyway, I have decided to do a written analysis of all my toasters. Present toasters and past toasters of note that I can remember. Maybe when I write it down, it'll make more sense than the mental assessment I've been used to..

I Dreamt Of Aliko Dangote..

Last night, I had a dream about Aliko Dangote..very strange since I don't know him nor am I his biggest fan. Although I admire him (from afar) for his business acumen...just like almost every other Nigerian.

Usually, I'm an olodo when it comes to dreams. I hardly every remember my dreams!

But this dream ehn! I remember it oh! It was sooo real! Here it goes:

I was at some function ( I think it was someone's baby dedication) and I got a call from a friend asking where I was. I told him I was at a baby dedication and he asked if he could come see me there and I said yes.

The next thing, the friend came and guess who it was? Aliko Dangote! In the dream, I wasnt surprised though, we hugged and chatted like old pallies. And then he went on to introduce himself to some girl who was with me (dont remember who she was). And he went "Hi, I'm Aliko (pause) Dangote" And the mumu girl just stood there shell shocked.

After a while, he decided he had to leave and aske me to walk him outside to his car which I did. When we got to the car we hugged goodbye and the ff conversation ensued:

Aliks: "You hardly ever call me, please try and keep in touch".
Me: Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll try. Byeee

When I got back in, everybody was hailing me and shouting "gbo gbo bigz girls"

Lol. For my mind oh! And that was it! That's how I woke up with a smile on my face oh

 Lwkmd...

I Was Blessed By The Muslim Woman..

Last Friday I went to the park after work. When I got to the park entrance, I was desperately looking for banana and groundnut sellers and I couldn’t find any. I was startled to hear some woman call out to me to buy drinks from her. What startled me was her sparkling English and well-toned voice. She could have passed as a veteran broadcaster!! Anyway, I went close trying to find an alternative to bananas, she kept on urging me to buy a drink from her and I shook my head and told her “I no get money oh!”. Immediately, I said that, she reprimanded me in a sharp tone. The same tone a mother would use on an erring child. She said “Don’t say that! You shouldn’t confess negative things with your mouth! The words that come out of our mouths are powerful. Learn to confess good things only!”

I was impressed and could have sworn she was a member of Winners Chapel from the way she sounded! Just to affirm my suspicion, I asked her what church she attends. And  she said “I’m not a Christian, I’m a Muslim”. Her answer jolted me, I was shocked. She went on to tell me how she can never feel defeated regardless of what was going on around her, and how she can never lose hope etc. I can’t quite remember all she said but she sounded so confident in herself that you would think she’d turn to a billionaire the next second.  I looked at this woman, all she had was a cooler of drinks with a total value of not more than a few thousands. I looked at her, she had on a dress that was so tattered with her once-was-white bra peeping out, I looked at her feet, all dried up and dirty and covered with dust, I looked around her, there was nothing to suggest her situation would get better anytime soon.

I looked with my human eye. What can the human eye see? Nothing, compared to what God has planned out. I was really moved by this woman and her passion for life. Here I was feeling sorry for myself, almost feeling hopeless about my situation(s) and I see someone in a much worse situation, a situation I have never been in nor ever been close to being in. And in the midst of all of that, she had a strong hope and positive attitude towards life that was such a huge contrast when compared to her reality. And this is somebody who does not know Jesus. There’s a woman in my office who complains about everything all the time. She earns 100,000 naira. She’s one of those no-make up, no-jewelry, deeper life type of Christians. Yet she drains me with her constant murmuring.

At the end of the day, how important is it if we claim to know Jesus, yet our actions don’t reflect that claim? I was blessed by the Muslim woman….

This Battle Is Not Mine Oh! It's the Lord's!!!

I wrote this last saturday..I didnt have an internet connection at the time...So, I'm copying and pasting...

Was listening to John Mayer’s “In Repair” last night before I went to bed. And it just so aptly described what I’m presently going through. According to him, “This is a song about being f**cked up but coming out of it. When you are a kid and you get a tennis ball to the nuts, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world but, as all men would tell you, there’s no better feeling than when it stops hurting!”

Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it’s taking so long

I could be wrong, I could be ready

Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice

I should assume it’s still unsteady

I am in repair

I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while

To wait for the wind to blow down on me

Hoping it takes with it my old ways

And brings some brand new look upon me

And now I’m walking in the park

All of the birds they dance below me

Maybe when things turn green again

It would be good to say you know me

I’m in repair

I’m not together but I’m getting there…

Anyways, I’m in one of those moods where I just want to curl up and stay in bed all day in a dark room. I should have actually written this last night. I think I was more in touch with sadness than I am now. It’s crazy when I get in this mood because one moment, I’m thinking I’m doing so well and have made so much progress in this Journey to Recovery but the next moment, I feel so shattered and feel such raw pain I wonder if I’ve made any progress at all. Being in a new town helps a great deal and I’m super glad I took the step to get out of PH. That was the first and major step. And there are days when I feel great for taking that decision. But days like today, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. A deeply horrible rut. I wonder if I will ever be able to truly let go. When will I stop feeling this raw pain. Raw like someone is peeling the skin off my heart with a piece of metal. Just like we take the peels off bananas, each  peel comes with its own peculiar pain. This pain is crazy, it affects my brain. I don’t even think I am typing anything coherent right now. But this is the only therapy I can think of. I have my earphones on and Yolanda Adam’s “The Battle Is The Lord’s” just came on. It says that

“There is no pain Jesus cant feel, there is no hurt that He cannot heal. All things work according to the Master’s purpose and his holy will. No matter what you are going through, remember that God only wants a chance to use you, it’s gonna be ok because God is only using you for His Glory..It says this battle is not mine. There’s no sadness Jesus cannot feel, there is no sorrow that the Master is not able and willing to heal. Remember that all things work, they’re not gonna be all good, but they shall work according to God’s purpose.  He needs a chance to prove to the enemy that He is God. Hold on.Don’t give up. Step out on faith. This battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s. Understand that God knows what you need before you really need it. He knows how to hide you in the comfort of His arms. You’lll have peace that passeth all understanding. You’ll have joy like a river ever flowing. Tell the devil “This battle is not mine. I don’t have to fight it, God is gonna do it!. I’m so glad that God sees and He knows”…..End of song.

Sometimes, I feel the only way I’ll ever be able to truly forget about him (besides God), would be to fall in love again. To me, that is a big thing. I’m one of those people who take love very seriously. Perhaps, way too seriously. Once I’m in, I’m in completely. Immersed and soaked. But the challenge is getting in. Even when I was still normal (without the experience of a broken heart), I was super duper cautious, calculative and slow when it came to the love process. Not to talk of now wey dem don break my heart. E go hard. But then, I’m more mature now and I have a much clearer and well defined picture of what I want in/from a man. I believe this will be my saving grace because once I see a man who fits into what I want, I no go waste time unlike before. The problem is to see the man. The things I want are not too far-reached. It’s just unfortunate that I don’t meet people who have them.

Everyone thinks I’m locking myself up, putting up a wall, not letting anyone in etc because I’m still hurt from my past relationship. Whilst that is partially true, it isn’t entirely true. If I see what I want, I’ll consciously go for it, regardless of whatever hurt I might still feel from the past. I just use this as an excuse to ward off unsuitable suitors. I play the card of “Oh, I’m still heart broken, I need time to recover, I need time to find myself, I need to breathe bla bla bla” Whilst these are all true, the second I meet someone I share a connection with, all that wont matter anymore.

In my last two paragraphs, I think I sounded more rational and logical unlike the beginning. Maybe it’s because I just had my bath and I’m about to go out and enjoy my weekend. See how I just spent a good part of my Saturday morning wallowing in negativity. I’m ashamed of myself. I should be engaging myself in more fruitful things jare! A beautiful weekend to me!

I did have a good weekend eventually...

Falling In Love.....

This past weekend, I fell off while working out on a treadmill. Who does that? In the new spirit of exercising, I had decided to go to the gym last saturday. Unfortunately for me, I had mysteriously lost my earphones and so, I was without music. I believe music somehow makes working out more tolerable, for lack of a more appropriate word. Anyway, due to the absence of music and also because I was tired of looking at the fat woman with big boobies in the pool, I decided to close my eyes for just one second. I can’t even say I consciously took a decision to close my eyes, I probably did without thinking straight and before I knew it, I saw myself falling down on a moving treadmill. I hit my jaw, knee and bruised the back of my palm. Just one second. 2 days later, I still feel pains. When I got back home, I told my friends how falling off the treadmill was like falling in love.

You get on a treadmill and everything is fine as long as you keep your eyes OPEN! But the minute you decide to close your eyes to savour the moment or for whatever reason(s), you are headed for doom that very second. You meet a guy and everything is fine as long as you keep your eyes wide open. The second you decide to “slack” and start doing lovey lovey things and close your eyes to red flags (or whatever colour of flags), na so you go just fall and break ur jaw, head, teeth, heart and any other breakable thing in your body. When I shared this theory with them, they laughed at me and told me I was going insane for talking this kain rubbish because the thing no just make sense. Mscheww. So I have decided to write about it as I’m certain that my laptop will not call me mad.

These days, I am so cynical about men that even I, am indeed amazed. I haven’t always been like this though, although I have always had healthy traces of cynicism. But this one is getting out of hand according to my friend. She says I need to snap out of it because I have been in this haze for more than a year now. After the first few months of the haze, I did snap out of it when H & I got back together. Unfortunately our renewed relationship didn’t last for too long as it was series of heart wrenching events after another. And now, I have slipped back into that haze. Even farther than I did last year.

I no longer feel the pain that much. I just feel emptiness. Which is better sef, pain or emptiness? I think it’s better to feel empty than to feel all the pain that H put me through. Pain I allowed him put me through. Usually, I have details of his misdeeds, dates or periods they happened etc. But now, I’m just blank. Blank is the word. Yeah I still feel the occasional pangs but they are very few and far between. I listened to “our song” (Celine Dion’s I surrender) and I didn’t feel jack. To me, it was just another song. Scary. This was a song used to get me in bits. Am I becoming a cold person? Is that really necessary?

My friend tells me to loosen up and allow myself to meet other people. I am open to meeting people but everyone still thinks I’m not making any efforts. Wetin dem want me to do, really? A part of me wants to meet a tall, intelligent, good man with a wicked sense of humour. But a part of me isn’t just ready for all that crap. Right now, I’m just all about the job and the money. My immediate need is a fabulous job and not a man. Chei. I suddenly sound like one f those women...But the thing is, I really do mean it oh!

I wish we could go back to the old method employed by our grandparents and great-grandparents where they just have wives and husbands shipped to them...they didnt have to think about dating nor heart breaks back then! Things were a lot easier, weren't they!

Anyway, I hope it's just a phase though...

I Exercised Today, Yaaaayyyy!!

For the first time in yearsssss, I actually woke up by 5.30am this morning and went for a morning walk/run. I’ve been psyching myself for the past two years or so that I’ll start exercising….bla bla bla. Storyy!! Me wey like sleep like say tomorrow no dey. I didn’t even wake myself up per se. My friend’s flatmate did. When I heard him knock on my door and call out my name this morning, I thought to myself “this guy dey jones if he thinks I’ll stand up from this bed!”. As in, the sleep was soooo sweet, kai! I even think sleep is sweeter than sex. I was told that I hold that opinion because I haven’t had “any” in a whiiilllle (I have my chastity belt on in my process of re-virginisation, no be joke). Whether I have had any or not, I think sleep has got to be the sweetest thing, closely followed by chocolate cake, chai! All those people who put sex at the top of their list are what Warri people will call world people. I wish I knew what I know now about sex when I lost my virginity, I probably would have still been a virgin now! Anyway, it’s not too late, re-virginization does work, lol.

Anyway, as I was saying, I don’t know how I got myself to wake up and wear “canvass” and hit the road. But I was glad I did. We know God has made provision for healing for His children, but recently, I realized that God does not only heal through miracles. Yes, He performs signs and wonders every now and then. But at some other times, he has given us the tools we require for our healing in every aspect of our lives. Although, I’m referring to physical healing now. God has blessed us with so much to make us whole. I am increasingly beginning to realize the tremendous effects eating the right foods have on our bodies. A lot of us take what we eat for granted; and when we fall ill, cry to God to heal us. God has already made these amazing provisions for healing in the foods that he has so graciously provided us with.

Back when I was still a lekpa, I used to be a sucker for junk food! I could eat everything anytime and not feel any guilt or panic. If you looked up shawarma in the dictionary, you’d find a picture of me there eating shawarma! There was a time I ate it every single day. Those were my lekpa days sha. Now that my hips have become truthful and no longer lie, I didn’t need anyone to advise me to stop chopping anyhow. I admit, the initial reduction in my consumption of junk food stemmed from the fact that I didn’t wanna lose too much of my lekpa status and become an orobo. (I didn’t achieve that by the way, I am neither a lekpa nor an orobo. What does that make me? A Lek-Orob??) Lol. I have since realized that I can no longer be as lekpacious as before and I have made peace with that fact.

I have even gone off point from the point I was/am trying to make which is eating right!! At the rate this world is going, we find everything is now being pre-packaged and processed. Yes, it’s sweeter to go to Shop Rite and fill up your trolley with all sorts of processed foods but going to the market to buy fresh foods pays big time! Mehn these days, there is nothing they don’t package – from pounded yam to banga soup to anything you can think of! I’m pretty certain that our “fore-mothers” will be rolling with rage in their graves and wondering what happened to good ol’ pounding yam with mortar and pestle! What a lazy generation we are eh?

I think eating fruits is important. Everyone should eat a sensible portion of fruits every single day. Eating fresh vegetables is also very much advisable. For those of us who are coca-cola addicts, replace coke with orange juice or Nutri-C (if orange juice is too extreme for you). Replace sugar with honey. Replace groundnut oil with olive oil. Avoid fried foods. Avoid junk food like meatpies, burgers, donuts etc. We all have cravings for those things every now and then but consumption should be reduced to the barest minimum. I used to be a chocolate cake addict, still am sef! But these days I just run away from all temptation and appearances of evil! Thanks to a friend of mine, I now drink green tea instead of Sprite. And boy was I a spritaholic, kai! Green tea is high in anti-oxidants and according to what they say, it flushes yama yama from your body. Even rice sef, I try to run away from rice these days. Bassmatic rice is much better and has less starch in with and lower carbs. I try to run away from white bread as well and try to eat Wheat bread if I must have bread. Notice the multiple use of the word “try” oh! It simply means, I falter every now and then.  But @least, I’m much better than I used to be and I’m trusting God for complete healing as I go on, Amen!

And for the women, even the best skin care products can be gotten from natural plants and foods. Good examples are aloe vera, paw paw, honey, lime etc. U can grate carrots and use as a face mask! Thes natural foods work like magic on the skin. Lime and honey are simply greaaat!! Bcos these days ehn, all these chemicals wey dem dey put inside our lotions, cleansers, scrubs, toners and women tins, fear dey catch me to rub some of them!

And oh yeah, the reason I started this was because I exercised today (yaaaay!!). In addition to eating right, we should also try to complement that with regular exercising. I can’t say much about exercising because I am still a JJC in that regard. I pray for Grace to continue!!! It can only get better from here on..

But wait oh! See me talking about chastity, eating right and exercising. I really am beginning to feel old at my young age. But I like to console myself and call it “wisdom”. And I’m glad it’s coming now. I mean, what better time than now?!

And Paula Died...

The saddest thing happened this morning. I woke up to find Paula dead. Don't be alarmed, Paula isn't a person. She is (or was) a parrot until her demise.

My friend had for some reason decided to buy two parrots some months ago. I dont know which is male or female or if they are even the same sex for that matter. But for my own private entertainment, I named them Paul and Paula.

Yesterday, we woke up to find their cage by the gate with the door open! How did the cage get to the gate from the door?? The aboki proceeded to explain that in the middle of the night, a black cat appeared and tried to eat the parrots!! Omg! I didnt even know that cats ate birds! That's just so gross. Anyway oh, the cat struggled and struggled to get them out of the cage but Paul and Paula just perched at the roof of the cage and clung to it for their lives.

Even though it was morning already with the cat long gone and the cage door still open, they jejelly remained up there. Freedom is overrated eh? I was impressed with their determination to live!! Only for us to wake up this morning to find Paula dead! She just lay lifeless in the cage, while Paul remained there. I wonder if he felt any grief or psychological torture just by seeing her lifeless body. This makes me wonder if animals feel grief.......

My friend's sister proceeded to tell us how in Yorubaland, they usually attach meanings to such things. According to her, if you own an animal and for some reason it dies, it is believed that it died in your place. That is, you (the owner of the animal) was originally marked for death but somehow, the animal's life was taken in your place! Are you kidding me?!! Jesus has already died in my place oh!

She told me about someone she knew who had a sick dog and believed that the sickness was originally meant for her but somhow somehow, the dog got sick instead. This isn't some woman in the village oh! We are talking about a sophisticaed, butty woman. Because she had the conviction that the dog was doing her some sort of "favour" (for lack of a better word), she took it upon herself to care for the dog like she would a sick child. Whenever her pastor makes calls for people who need healing in church, she goes out and "stands in the gap" for her dog. She used to pray for the dog and annoint it with annointing oil.

She even gave the dog Holy Communion. (this one na lie sha, I just added jara). But really, if she could annoint the dog, I figure she can give it the Communion too! By some stroke of fate, the dog survived the terrible illness and became whole again. Was it the treatment from the vet or did God really answer her prayer and heal her dog?

If God did, did He do it for the dog's sake or was it for her sake?

And here I am thinking, does God heal animals..???

RIP PAULA!!!

I Welcome Me.....

Imagine. Someone already had deepsoul.blogspot.com. I tried souldeep an it was taken too! I finally had to settle for Green Garri. Green Garri, I'm still wondering where that came from. Maybe it's because I enjoyed reading Purple Hibiscus. Or maybe it's because Blue Elephant is my favourite hangout in Port Harcourt. Or just maybe it's because the colour green represents Nigeria and Garri represents one of our main meals. Anyhow e be, Green Garri I did choose. Unfortunately, I cant say much. Have to close from work now and my "walking-down-the-stairs partner" is threatening to leave me behind. This isnt Lagos though, so I wonder why she dey rush. I hereby officially welcome myself to the world of blogging sha...

Till tomorrow....