Tuesday, December 6, 2016

It is totally shocking how life can just abruptly change and yet we are unaware of it.

I sit here at a few minutes past 1 am, exhausted and sleep-deprived as hell, yet I cannot sleep!

This is the same me who was dozing off this money right after drinking two cups of coffee!

The past two weeks have been crazy for me - I have been working my butt off to ensure the successful completion of two major projects.

I sit here in my living room, listening to random music, flipping through facebook and restless as hell! I have been horribly frustrated in the past week....

I have the weird feeling of doom and gloom. Oh yeah, I'm being dramatic..but am I really?

I feel grossly under-accomplished....yet I have ticked off 80% of my goals for 2016. Maybe I'm crazy?

No I am not. I am just a woman who is terribly frustrated by her husband right now. Normal, you say? Perhaps. Except that this is by no means a normal feeling.

I feel like I am in a dark hole...or maybe it's a drum...I'm not quite sure...but it definitely isn't a well as I am not drowning.....but I feel out of air, out of breath. I need oxygen. I need saving.

Maybe I should go back to God.?

Not like I left. But who am I kidding? I did leave. No concrete reason...I just got tired of pastors and double standards. Christians and their unchristianly behaviour. Yeah, who am I to judge? Bla bla

I'm not judging...I just got tired of being in what I thought was a deceptive bubble. Still think it is.

But what has that got to do with God? He has nothing to do with the deception of men.

I miss God. Is that a normal thing to say? I'm not quite sure.

Maybe I should go back to Him and He will save me from this horrible feeling of doom.

Maybe it isn't so bad....maybe this is the sleep deprivation talking...maybe I'm just making excuses.

Deep down, I know the doom is real.

Dang. Some of it definitely has to be sleep deprivation.

I miss writing. I used to enjoy writing so much. What happened to me? I feel like I'm slowly losing myself - losing my true essence. I shouldn't let that happen.

I worry too much - about everything and everyone. Not good. I'm gonna have to start letting my hair down and enjoying life.

I mean, I do enjoy life. I am generally a happy girl - contradictory to the gloom abi?

Maybe it's the sleep deprivation afterall. Maybe not.

I think I have a little crase in me that I have decided to express this night.

Truth is, I miss writing so much and I haven't done it in a while so my fingers have gotten a little too excited.

I just realised I posted last almost three years ago. Dang, girl! What do you do with all your time?!

My last post talked about my baby - she's a big girl now with established opinions on various subjects and she's also a big sister to her chop chop little brother.

They are my rainbow.

I hope I come back here soon, and more frequently. I promise to be more coherent.