Saturday, January 29, 2011

My Ex Boyfriend's Wedding

My ex-boyfriend got married today.

I had gotten a call from an amebo a week back telling me about it. I was in the middle of some financial calculations before the call came in, and immediately she told me, my brain froze for the next 20 seconds. After the call, I just sat there enjoying my brain freeze. lol.

And then, I went back to my calculations like nothing had happened. But for the rest of the day, I walked around with a huge headache. And then I got another call from some1 saying : "Congrats oh! I heard you guys FINALLY fixed a date". Silence. Click. Call ended. I dont know what got to me more - the fact that he was getting married or the person he was getting married to. I think it was the latter. I couldnt figure out why he'd decide to marry her.

I kept going over it and I just couldn't arrive at a logical conclusion. Then I called him. Prior to now, we hadn't really been on speaking terms for the past 3 months (apart from the Happy new year call). He didn't pick up. I sent him a text telling him to get back to me cos I needed to ask him something. He got back to me after a few hours but I decided I really didnt wanna know so I didnt take his calls. He kept calling repeatedly and I finally took his call the next day. I told him I'd wanted to get some info from his office (nose growing) but I'd already gotten it from somewhere else. We went on to gist like nothing ever happened - him telling me about his work pressures etc etc. It was a week to the wedding. He didnt tell me about it and I didnt indicate I knew.

Then about 3 days ago, he called. Told me it took him all the bravery in the world to initiate the call. Went into a long speech about me being the one person in the world he owes everything - explanation, respect, regard bla bla and then went on to say "I'm getting married". Oh well, I'd known for a week now so there was no jolt. After he told me who he was getting married to, I proceeded to ask the question Id been dying to ask - "Why her??"

And he goes "I dont know. I'm still in shock. I'm surprised. I'm confused"
And I go "ooooookaaaaaayyyyy and you are telling me this because??"
Him: "You are my best friend. You are the only one in the world who always has my back. I see you as my guardian angel. You are one person in the world who always tells me the truth no matter what. I still had your name as my password up until today. Bla bla bla"

And I'm rolling my eyes thinking: Now what?! There's a never-ending supply of drama with this guy.

Me: Is she pregnant?
Him: That's the first question everybody asks. No she isn't
Me: Abi she don jazz you...?
Him: Silence. All I feel is surprise. Maybe when I say "I do" it'll finally sink in
Me: Maybe
Him: Where are you? I need to see you
Me: I'm not in town (thank God). I moved to Abuja (because I had to run away from the madness we called our love, our seamless love)
Him: I really need to see you
Me: So that we'll start kissing abi? And then what? You'll call off your wedding? You know how me and you are - like two naked wires.
Him: Can you please attend the wedding?
Me: Are you for real?? (was tempted to say stupid). Sorry, I can't.
Him: Please just do it for me, it'll help me start the healing process (Imagine the nerve sha, chei, I don suffer)
Me: Sorry I cant. (Trying with all my might not to launch into a fierce verbal attack)
Him: It's funny, I'm getting married but I still love you. I'll always love you
Me: Do you love her?
Him: Kinda
Me: Yes or No
Him: Kinda. But I know I'll never love anyone half as much as I love you

(Very plenty talk talk, cant even type half of it)

Nna na wa o! Before my lonnnnng conversation with him, I was feeling pretty okay about the whole wedding thing. But after that, I couldnt stop thinking about it and just feeling sorry for him. What I feel is just pity, actually. Kai. How does life turn out so funny that the gr8est love of my life goes and marries sm1 else. I havent even been able to really like any1, not to talk of date. And he's getting married. Na wa sha. I guess I was just drinking panadol for another man's headache. A man I was willing to do anything and go anywhere for. Anyway..."was" being the operative word.

Anyway, I had the date emboldened in my head - 29th January. But surprisingly, I slept well last night, infact too well sef. I woke up feeling okay and I even forgot about it till later. Thought about it a bit and wondered if he'd said "I do". Half expected sm1 to call and say he didnt show up for the wedding or said "I cant" instead of "I do". I'm not paranoid, but it really is something he can do. He's weird like that. Igot about three "I-cant-believe-he-married-her-calls" and my response was "Well, he did".Today ended up being a pretty normal Saturday for me. I had a noice, long nap. Cleaned the kitchen with all my heart and soul. Finished Season 6 of Grey's Anatomy. Swore that if Derek died, I'd stop watching. And I meant it.

And now, I'm sitting here blogging. And I'm happy...Strange. In a calm way, I'm happy. And I have peace....

Friday, January 28, 2011

Everything Happens For A Reason....

Little notes from Rick Warren's "The Purpose-Driven Life":

"In order to keep us frrom being too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction with life - longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity."

"When you fully comprehend that there is more to life than just here and now, you realise that life is just a preparation for eternity, you will begin to live differently. You will start living in the light of eternity, and that will colour how you handle every relationship, task, situation etc. Suddenly, many activities, goals, and even problems that seemed so important will appear trivial and unworthy of your attention. The closer you live to God, the smaller everything else appears.."

There are certain things in life we constantly pray not to experience. Topmost on that list is pain. Nobody wants to have pain in their life. But try as we may, pray as we may, it is inevitable. It shows up at some point or the other, when we least expect it. Pain comes in different shades. We cry when we feel pain, we pray for it to go away. Pain isn't a pleasant thing.

But I don't think so. I think pain is a gift. I'm almost tempted to call it a good thing even. When we are sick, the first pointer is the pain we feel. This pain propels us to go for a test and/or take medication. Imagine what will happen if you lose the ability to feel pain. It just means you never know when you are healthy and when you arent. And if you cant feel pain, you wont know when to take steps to help you get better.

Yesterday, I watched a story of some man on Reality TV. He went to war in Vietnam and lost both legs in the process. That's an incredibly terrible thing - losing one's legs. He went through a "God-why-me" phase. He was a big believer in "ëverything happens for a reason" and so he desperately sought to find out what reason God could possibly have to take away his legs. He just couldn't rationalize it, there were no logical answers.

God's ways are not our ways. Sometimes, we try to stereotype God, trying to make Him fit into our own line of reasoning. Huge mistake. His ways aren't our ways. God has a reason for everything that happens. Sometimes, He lets us see it right away. Sometimes, He lets us wait a while and shows it to us long after we have forgotten. And other times, we don't even get to find out at all. He knows EVERYTHING.

Jeremiah 1:5 - "Ï knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born, I set you apart as my prophet to the nations"

Before we were even formed, He knew us. He knew the egg and the sperm that would bring us forth. Isn't that just mind-blowing? If He knows that, what makes us think He doesn't have a reason for allowing certain things happen to us. He knows.

The 2nd part says He has set us apart as prophets to the nations. Some people will say, "Well, that one is not my calling". Wrong. We are all purposed to be God's prophets. You dont have to own a church and shout with a microphone or megaphone to be qualified as a prophet. We all have a responsibility to let the world know about Jesus. Others can see Jesus through us if we let it. I don dey digress....

Back to my story...

The man without the legs sought to find out why God allowed him go through all that pain. Some time had passed, and he had probably even given up hope in getting answers from God. He was going through a newspaper when he saw a story of two Russian twins who had been abandoned after birth by their mother because they were born without legs. And he knew immediately. He knew that was the reason he lost his legs - so he could give life to those children.

He proceeded to adopt them as his children, got them prosthetic legs, and just generally provided them with a life they never would have had if he had left them in Russia. As at the time of the documentary, the kids were already about 9yrs old. I watched them ride a bike, swim, and do every other thing normal children could do and I just had tears in my eyes. They see Jesus through the eyes of the man who saved their life. Through the love and warmth gotten from their adopted family, they experience God's love.

If this man hadn't lost his legs in the war, chances of him even noticing the story of the legless children would have been next to none.

I have a friend who lost his mum a few years ago. He shocked me when he told me that God had a reason for letting his mum go. He was deeply affected and pained by the loss, of course. But after a while, he figured it was best for her to have gone at the time she had. She was a wonderful woman who was blameless and upright. But at some point, due to life's pressures, she was almost beginning to succumb to alternatives that God wouldn't have been pleased with. And it was at that point that God took her, just before she could have deviated....His level of acceptance was deep...and it shook me, albeit quietly.

God has a higher purpose for everything he permits to happen to us. We may never know that purpose directly. But just knowing that He never lets us handle more than we can bear is enough to comfort us. He knows everything. He sees everything. For each tear that He permits to fall from our eyes, there is a purpose...

Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good, and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope..."

And now, to my all time favourite scripture:

Romans 8: 28 - Äll things worketh together for the good of they that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose".

Nothing beats that!! Absolutely nothing....

Friday, January 21, 2011

Thanking God..

Why do some people just feel like they are the only ones with problems in this life sef..?

Yesterday, I was feeling a little down and out (as is becoming alarmingly regular these days!) and I think I fell asleep chatting on yahoo messenger or reading a book or both. Dont quite remember.

The next time I was awake, it was to the sound of a loud thud and somebody shouting "Yeeeee!". I did not need to think and wonder what might be going on or where the sound might be coming from, or whatever else. I jumped and ran into my friend's room. The house was in pitch darkness.

And I said "something is going on" because at this point, I wasnt entirely sure what it was. Next thing I knew, I was on the floor head down by the side of the bed. Two extra people fell on me. My neck was in the most awkward position and I was pretty certain it was gonna break.

I was torn between destroying my neck and having the armed robbers deal with me for making noise. I chose the former.

Just a little over a month after we were attacked, these criminals struck again last night. Obviously better prepared this time. For some odd reason, I wasn't as scared as I'd have expected myself to be. In my mind, they were in already. It couldn't get much worse than this. Except they decide to shoot someone.

After what seemed like an eternity of threatening to shoot if we look, threatening to shoot if we dont bring the money, threatening to shoot for putting all the money in the bank and all the other threats, they finally left.

And then my shaking began. And cold. And fever. And excessive pissing.

And oh by the way, the Nigerian Police is absolutely useless. Let's not even go there.

After a couple of hours, I gathered courage to enter my room. My phones were gone, expectedly. My laptop was gone, expectedly. My babies. Those were my babies. They were there for me when no1 else ever was. Sadly, my laptop wasn't backed up.  Lesson One: Procrastination leads you nowhere. If you wanna do something, do it NOW. Backing up my laptop has been on my to-do list in forever.

Anyways, here I was thinking about the loss of all my personal documents, office documents and all my phone numbers, my one billion songs, one million pictures etc etc. Thank God I'm alive. Thank God we all are still alive. Thank God we didn't have to rush anybody to the hospital.

I have heard of cases of robberies that didn't last 3 minutes yet people didn't survive it. I have heard of a robbery where a pregnant woman was shot in her tummy for no apparent reason. I have heard of a robbery where a man was hit so hard with a gun that his eyeball fell out. Thank God we're alive. There's no logical explanation except for God's mercies. Thank God for making us invisible to them. Thank God for being our shield when we needed Him most.

If I was an oyibo woman, I for don dey do therapy by now. But for 9ja, we don't do shrinks. People never chop 3-square meals finish na shrink we go dey pursue?

As it got dark today, I began to feel uneasy. I need therapy. But the only therapy I have access to is Baba God. He alone will soothe my fears away. He alone can calm the raging storms. He alone giveth peace that defies all understanding.

Like the song they sang in church on tuesday:

You are God
All by Yourself
You alone
And no1 else
You are God all by Yourself
You are holy...

It's comforting to know that God doesn't require any1's help to be God. He is God all by Himself. It's comforting to know that he doesn't need to make any consultations before He shows Himself strong in our lives. He doesn't need any1's approval. Isn't that just awesome! All I have to do is remember this, and everything is ok....

Every new day from God is a blessing. It is a privilege. Don't ever take that for granted...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Things Change..

Was feeling a bit emotionally weak a couple of days ago. It came in little bits and pieces. I'm a happy person. And even though I can't altogether escape sadness forever, it's inevitable every now and then but I don't know how to remain sad for long.

But these bit and pieces sometimes get hard. And painful. And seemingly long.

Yesterday, my friend wrote something for me. I read it and I smiled. The kinda smile that comes from the heart and reaches the eyes. I needed to hear/read those words. I had a serious "Awww Moment". I read it and re-read it and it offered some level of comfort.

I thought I'd share, just incase there's any1 going thru any difficult situation(s). And I'm also "re-sharing" it for the person who wrote it.

This is from me back to you....

Things Change

Tears may come now, but you will smile again,
Pain will go away, wounds will heal again,
Scars may remain, but they can shape and mold you,
So don't try to hide who you are,
But then know who you will be.

The world is round true, but it turns, constantly,
Down you may be today, stars you will face tomorrow.
Seasons come and go but things never remain the same,
A season may bring pain this year, but then;
The same season, could bring joy on the next.

Treasure the times, treasure the moments,
They fly by, past and gone forever.
When it seems you can't hold it in,
Let it out slowly, don't hold it in,
Let it go surely and then move on.

Life is a journey, a life-long one,
Whether it be comfortable or uncomfortable,
Know this, it can get easier if u move on,
So, smile through the tears,
Laugh through the pain,
Find the little slices of joy,
So you can be as right as rain.
Hold the joy in and find warmth,
Laugh through the pain and know peace,
Know and remember all through this;
Things never ever stay the same.