Thursday, November 25, 2010

And The Robbers Came Visiting...

I was gonna talk about the amazing day I had yesterday or continue with my toaters' assessment. However, something hapened today that shook me to my core. And for record purposes, I just have to talk about it and unburden my soul.

I was awoken by my friend's tapping on my shoulder and her calling my name. This was about 3am or so. Immediately I woke up, the first thing she said was "armed robbers" and then I heard a female voice screaming "Armed robbers!!! Please somebody help". She kept on saying it repeatedly with a sharp voice that pierced the quiteness of the night abi na early morning.

See me in action who is usually a deep sleeper and find it hard to wake up sharp sharp. Omo, immediately I heard all that, my brain was 100% alert. I quickly stood up, grabbed my phone by my side and ran out of the room into another room where my friend's flatmate was with his girlfriend. (It's not my house as I recently just moved here and need a place to stay in the mean time). I knocked and it took him some seconds to open his door which felt like hours. He and his babe were obviously awake already as they were closer to the screams than we were.

It's past 2pm now and typing this, I'm still shaking and my heart is still beating. Meanwhile, my friend who woke me up was still in our room, imagine! I was so pissed, wondering why she was still there but I couldnt go back. Typing is even traumatising. I'm beginning to hyperventilate again, I think I should chill for a few mins and continue............................

Ok, I took a 30-minute break. I'll try and keep going. We finally all got into the room and we were a total of five people, four females and one male. I think the male presence helped. It didnt seem like it at the time but now I'm trying to imagine what it would have been like if he wasnt there.

The lady in the next flat kept screaming at the top of her lungs and freaking us all out. I started chanting "blood of Jesus". At some point, my lips could no longer move to make a coherent word. My friend (the male) kept trying to dial different numbers and they were all switched off. My friend (the female) eventually got through to her brother who doesnt even stay in Abuja. But he has a friend who stays in the estate and he called him and that one called the "security" at the main gate who called the police. Long thing.

At this point, me I just dey shake. I shook more than a leaf. I tried to pray but my lips just couldnt move. Na so cold start to catch me, I carry bedsheet cover myself, after a while, I added a thick duvet. With all that, I kept shivering.

My whole body was shaking from head to toe. Shaking violently and out of control. And then I remembered that my friend is asthmatic. I just silenty prayed she had her inhaler with her just incase she got an attack because at some point, she started coughing. It wasnt funny. The screaming lady was still screaming. It was a terrifying sound.

Then we heard a gun shot, and there was silence. Total silence. The screams had stopped and that was when we started thinking the worst had happened. Maybe the screaming lady had been silenced. Jesus! Na so all of us lie down for ground because we didnt know what was happenin nor where the shot came from.

I remember holding someone's hand and hers too was shaking like hell. My whole body was wobbly. I was suddenly feverish and nauseous, I thought I was gonna throw up and or just faint. I'm still feverish sef. Under this hot Abuja sun, I'm cold and my temperature is up. At this point, I had to open my mouth and take very deep breaths to calm my self. It worked a bit. I started singing "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence commeth my help". Small small, even while I was shakin, I started praying against the spirit of fear and that calmed me down a bit.

After what felt like ages, someone from the other flat confirmed that they had gone. We sha went outside and saw two policemen who had obviously scared them away with the gun shot. I cant even say everything. We went back inside the house and by this time, it was 4am. No way was I gonna go back to bed. We just stayed in the sitting room, talking till morning. I even went to the kitchen to scrub pots, just to take my mind off. My eyes were almost permanently darting to the window desperately wanting to get a glimpse of dawn or sunlight. At this point, I was sick. Fever, nausea, headache, stomach ache, I needed to shit. I didnt know fear could make someborri shit. I thought it was only piss. But I was so freaked out that I needed dawn to break to be able to go to the toilet.

Meanwhile, my friend's flatmate had had a dream the previous day or 2days ago about being robbed and I had also had a dream about him and his babe urging me into his room. These dreams happened the same day. I dont even wanna get into that one.

Morning finally came. I still couldnt sleep. I had had only two hours of sleep having slept really late. I started hyperventilating again, I couldnt breathe. I made myself a really really hot cup of ginger tea to jolt me back to life. After that, I tried to catch some sleep for about 30mins.

Somewhere in my sleep, I heard my friend making a call to her madam at work saying she couldnt go to work because she was psychologically unstable. Lol. This thing no be joke. Me I had even forgotten I had a phone, I didnt call nobody. The guy who alerted the cops came to see us and even put more fear in us. This morning, the police also picked up our gate man because he was a huge suspect. Infact, I cant type again, I don tire. Very traumatising experience. I no go sleep for that house this night. It is haunted.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Is It By Force??

This morning, my alarm woke me up while I was in the middle of a dream. In the dream, I was about to hear a very juicy gist just at the same time my alarm went off. So annoying, lol!

Anyways, I was barely awake when my friend who slept over said in a very serious tone "I have to talk to you about something". In a serious tone oh! Even before she said goodmorning sef.

Usually when someone says that, I prepare to hear something somewhat serious and I told her I was listening.

And she said "I think it's high time you get yourself a boyfriend". Mssscheeeeew
If you see the long hiss I hissed ehn! As in! That is the something she wanted to talk about. Like seriously? Are you kidding me. Thats the first thing someone says to me in the morning. I couldnt stop hissing, laughing and shaking my head all at the same time.

Firstly, we had had this same discussion a million times before and I just could not understand why she'd bring it up first thing in the morning!

I asked if she'd dreamt of me or something and she said no. She just thinks it's high time I get involved with someone. "Out of all these many men flocking around you, can't you just choose one? Are you trying to say out of the lot, there's none that is remotely close to what you want?"

I thought about it for a second and I answered in the negative. There was absolutely none I wanted. And being one of those people who don't date just for the fun of it, I consider it totally cruel wasting a man's time knowing it'll lead to nowhere. Dont ask me how I know. I just do.

I need to be able to connect. You know, bond. And I don't feel any connection with anyone. The only one I connect with right now is me! Trust me, if I meet someone I connect with, I won't hesitate.

And she goes: Yeah yeah, that was what you said last year...bla bla...and she launched into my biography...

Sometimes, people around me make me feel like I'm the one who has a problem by being overly selective and all of that. And I do not agree. I'm just a person who knows what she wants and isnt afraid to wait for it.

Anyway, I have decided to do a written analysis of all my toasters. Present toasters and past toasters of note that I can remember. Maybe when I write it down, it'll make more sense than the mental assessment I've been used to..

Friday, November 19, 2010

I Dreamt Of Aliko Dangote..

Last night, I had a dream about Aliko Dangote..very strange since I don't know him nor am I his biggest fan. Although I admire him (from afar) for his business acumen...just like almost every other Nigerian.

Usually, I'm an olodo when it comes to dreams. I hardly every remember my dreams!

But this dream ehn! I remember it oh! It was sooo real! Here it goes:

I was at some function ( I think it was someone's baby dedication) and I got a call from a friend asking where I was. I told him I was at a baby dedication and he asked if he could come see me there and I said yes.

The next thing, the friend came and guess who it was? Aliko Dangote! In the dream, I wasnt surprised though, we hugged and chatted like old pallies. And then he went on to introduce himself to some girl who was with me (dont remember who she was). And he went "Hi, I'm Aliko (pause) Dangote" And the mumu girl just stood there shell shocked.

After a while, he decided he had to leave and aske me to walk him outside to his car which I did. When we got to the car we hugged goodbye and the ff conversation ensued:

Aliks: "You hardly ever call me, please try and keep in touch".
Me: Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll try. Byeee

When I got back in, everybody was hailing me and shouting "gbo gbo bigz girls"

Lol. For my mind oh! And that was it! That's how I woke up with a smile on my face oh


Monday, November 15, 2010

I Was Blessed By The Muslim Woman..

Last Friday I went to the park after work. When I got to the park entrance, I was desperately looking for banana and groundnut sellers and I couldn’t find any. I was startled to hear some woman call out to me to buy drinks from her. What startled me was her sparkling English and well-toned voice. She could have passed as a veteran broadcaster!! Anyway, I went close trying to find an alternative to bananas, she kept on urging me to buy a drink from her and I shook my head and told her “I no get money oh!”. Immediately, I said that, she reprimanded me in a sharp tone. The same tone a mother would use on an erring child. She said “Don’t say that! You shouldn’t confess negative things with your mouth! The words that come out of our mouths are powerful. Learn to confess good things only!”

I was impressed and could have sworn she was a member of Winners Chapel from the way she sounded! Just to affirm my suspicion, I asked her what church she attends. And  she said “I’m not a Christian, I’m a Muslim”. Her answer jolted me, I was shocked. She went on to tell me how she can never feel defeated regardless of what was going on around her, and how she can never lose hope etc. I can’t quite remember all she said but she sounded so confident in herself that you would think she’d turn to a billionaire the next second.  I looked at this woman, all she had was a cooler of drinks with a total value of not more than a few thousands. I looked at her, she had on a dress that was so tattered with her once-was-white bra peeping out, I looked at her feet, all dried up and dirty and covered with dust, I looked around her, there was nothing to suggest her situation would get better anytime soon.

I looked with my human eye. What can the human eye see? Nothing, compared to what God has planned out. I was really moved by this woman and her passion for life. Here I was feeling sorry for myself, almost feeling hopeless about my situation(s) and I see someone in a much worse situation, a situation I have never been in nor ever been close to being in. And in the midst of all of that, she had a strong hope and positive attitude towards life that was such a huge contrast when compared to her reality. And this is somebody who does not know Jesus. There’s a woman in my office who complains about everything all the time. She earns 100,000 naira. She’s one of those no-make up, no-jewelry, deeper life type of Christians. Yet she drains me with her constant murmuring.

At the end of the day, how important is it if we claim to know Jesus, yet our actions don’t reflect that claim? I was blessed by the Muslim woman….

This Battle Is Not Mine Oh! It's the Lord's!!!

I wrote this last saturday..I didnt have an internet connection at the time...So, I'm copying and pasting...

Was listening to John Mayer’s “In Repair” last night before I went to bed. And it just so aptly described what I’m presently going through. According to him, “This is a song about being f**cked up but coming out of it. When you are a kid and you get a tennis ball to the nuts, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world but, as all men would tell you, there’s no better feeling than when it stops hurting!”

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it’s taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady

I am in repair
I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me

And now I’m walking in the park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It would be good to say you know me

I’m in repair
I’m not together but I’m getting there…

Anyways, I’m in one of those moods where I just want to curl up and stay in bed all day in a dark room. I should have actually written this last night. I think I was more in touch with sadness than I am now. It’s crazy when I get in this mood because one moment, I’m thinking I’m doing so well and have made so much progress in this Journey to Recovery but the next moment, I feel so shattered and feel such raw pain I wonder if I’ve made any progress at all. Being in a new town helps a great deal and I’m super glad I took the step to get out of PH. That was the first and major step. And there are days when I feel great for taking that decision. But days like today, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. A deeply horrible rut. I wonder if I will ever be able to truly let go. When will I stop feeling this raw pain. Raw like someone is peeling the skin off my heart with a piece of metal. Just like we take the peels off bananas, each  peel comes with its own peculiar pain. This pain is crazy, it affects my brain. I don’t even think I am typing anything coherent right now. But this is the only therapy I can think of. I have my earphones on and Yolanda Adam’s “The Battle Is The Lord’s” just came on. It says that

There is no pain Jesus cant feel, there is no hurt that He cannot heal. All things work according to the Master’s purpose and his holy will. No matter what you are going through, remember that God only wants a chance to use you, it’s gonna be ok because God is only using you for His Glory..It says this battle is not mine. There’s no sadness Jesus cannot feel, there is no sorrow that the Master is not able and willing to heal. Remember that all things work, they’re not gonna be all good, but they shall work according to God’s purpose.  He needs a chance to prove to the enemy that He is God. Hold on.Don’t give up. Step out on faith. This battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s. Understand that God knows what you need before you really need it. He knows how to hide you in the comfort of His arms. You’lll have peace that passeth all understanding. You’ll have joy like a river ever flowing. Tell the devil “This battle is not mine. I don’t have to fight it, God is gonna do it!. I’m so glad that God sees and He knows”…..End of song.

Sometimes, I feel the only way I’ll ever be able to truly forget about him (besides God), would be to fall in love again. To me, that is a big thing. I’m one of those people who take love very seriously. Perhaps, way too seriously. Once I’m in, I’m in completely. Immersed and soaked. But the challenge is getting in. Even when I was still normal (without the experience of a broken heart), I was super duper cautious, calculative and slow when it came to the love process. Not to talk of now wey dem don break my heart. E go hard. But then, I’m more mature now and I have a much clearer and well defined picture of what I want in/from a man. I believe this will be my saving grace because once I see a man who fits into what I want, I no go waste time unlike before. The problem is to see the man. The things I want are not too far-reached. It’s just unfortunate that I don’t meet people who have them.

Everyone thinks I’m locking myself up, putting up a wall, not letting anyone in etc because I’m still hurt from my past relationship. Whilst that is partially true, it isn’t entirely true. If I see what I want, I’ll consciously go for it, regardless of whatever hurt I might still feel from the past. I just use this as an excuse to ward off unsuitable suitors. I play the card of “Oh, I’m still heart broken, I need time to recover, I need time to find myself, I need to breathe bla bla bla” Whilst these are all true, the second I meet someone I share a connection with, all that wont matter anymore.

In my last two paragraphs, I think I sounded more rational and logical unlike the beginning. Maybe it’s because I just had my bath and I’m about to go out and enjoy my weekend. See how I just spent a good part of my Saturday morning wallowing in negativity. I’m ashamed of myself. I should be engaging myself in more fruitful things jare! A beautiful weekend to me!

I did have a good weekend eventually...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Falling In Love.....

This past weekend, I fell off while working out on a treadmill. Who does that? In the new spirit of exercising, I had decided to go to the gym last saturday. Unfortunately for me, I had mysteriously lost my earphones and so, I was without music. I believe music somehow makes working out more tolerable, for lack of a more appropriate word. Anyway, due to the absence of music and also because I was tired of looking at the fat woman with big boobies in the pool, I decided to close my eyes for just one second. I can’t even say I consciously took a decision to close my eyes, I probably did without thinking straight and before I knew it, I saw myself falling down on a moving treadmill. I hit my jaw, knee and bruised the back of my palm. Just one second. 2 days later, I still feel pains. When I got back home, I told my friends how falling off the treadmill was like falling in love.
You get on a treadmill and everything is fine as long as you keep your eyes OPEN! But the minute you decide to close your eyes to savour the moment or for whatever reason(s), you are headed for doom that very second. You meet a guy and everything is fine as long as you keep your eyes wide open. The second you decide to “slack” and start doing lovey lovey things and close your eyes to red flags (or whatever colour of flags), na so you go just fall and break ur jaw, head, teeth, heart and any other breakable thing in your body. When I shared this theory with them, they laughed at me and told me I was going insane for talking this kain rubbish because the thing no just make sense. Mscheww. So I have decided to write about it as I’m certain that my laptop will not call me mad.
These days, I am so cynical about men that even I, am indeed amazed. I haven’t always been like this though, although I have always had healthy traces of cynicism. But this one is getting out of hand according to my friend. She says I need to snap out of it because I have been in this haze for more than a year now. After the first few months of the haze, I did snap out of it when H & I got back together. Unfortunately our renewed relationship didn’t last for too long as it was series of heart wrenching events after another. And now, I have slipped back into that haze. Even farther than I did last year.
I no longer feel the pain that much. I just feel emptiness. Which is better sef, pain or emptiness? I think it’s better to feel empty than to feel all the pain that H put me through. Pain I allowed him put me through. Usually, I have details of his misdeeds, dates or periods they happened etc. But now, I’m just blank. Blank is the word. Yeah I still feel the occasional pangs but they are very few and far between. I listened to “our song” (Celine Dion’s I surrender) and I didn’t feel jack. To me, it was just another song. Scary. This was a song used to get me in bits. Am I becoming a cold person? Is that really necessary?
My friend tells me to loosen up and allow myself to meet other people. I am open to meeting people but everyone still thinks I’m not making any efforts. Wetin dem want me to do, really? A part of me wants to meet a tall, intelligent, good man with a wicked sense of humour. But a part of me isn’t just ready for all that crap. Right now, I’m just all about the job and the money. My immediate need is a fabulous job and not a man. Chei. I suddenly sound like one f those women...But the thing is, I really do mean it oh!
I wish we could go back to the old method employed by our grandparents and great-grandparents where they just have wives and husbands shipped to them...they didnt have to think about dating nor heart breaks back then! Things were a lot easier, weren't they!
Anyway, I hope it's just a phase though...