This past weekend, I fell off while working out on a treadmill. Who does that? In the new spirit of exercising, I had decided to go to the gym last saturday. Unfortunately for me, I had mysteriously lost my earphones and so, I was without music. I believe music somehow makes working out more tolerable, for lack of a more appropriate word. Anyway, due to the absence of music and also because I was tired of looking at the fat woman with big boobies in the pool, I decided to close my eyes for just one second. I can’t even say I consciously took a decision to close my eyes, I probably did without thinking straight and before I knew it, I saw myself falling down on a moving treadmill. I hit my jaw, knee and bruised the back of my palm. Just one second. 2 days later, I still feel pains. When I got back home, I told my friends how falling off the treadmill was like falling in love.
You get on a treadmill and everything is fine as long as you keep your eyes OPEN! But the minute you decide to close your eyes to savour the moment or for whatever reason(s), you are headed for doom that very second. You meet a guy and everything is fine as long as you keep your eyes wide open. The second you decide to “slack” and start doing lovey lovey things and close your eyes to red flags (or whatever colour of flags), na so you go just fall and break ur jaw, head, teeth, heart and any other breakable thing in your body. When I shared this theory with them, they laughed at me and told me I was going insane for talking this kain rubbish because the thing no just make sense. Mscheww. So I have decided to write about it as I’m certain that my laptop will not call me mad.
These days, I am so cynical about men that even I, am indeed amazed. I haven’t always been like this though, although I have always had healthy traces of cynicism. But this one is getting out of hand according to my friend. She says I need to snap out of it because I have been in this haze for more than a year now. After the first few months of the haze, I did snap out of it when H & I got back together. Unfortunately our renewed relationship didn’t last for too long as it was series of heart wrenching events after another. And now, I have slipped back into that haze. Even farther than I did last year.
I no longer feel the pain that much. I just feel emptiness. Which is better sef, pain or emptiness? I think it’s better to feel empty than to feel all the pain that H put me through. Pain I allowed him put me through. Usually, I have details of his misdeeds, dates or periods they happened etc. But now, I’m just blank. Blank is the word. Yeah I still feel the occasional pangs but they are very few and far between. I listened to “our song” (Celine Dion’s I surrender) and I didn’t feel jack. To me, it was just another song. Scary. This was a song used to get me in bits. Am I becoming a cold person? Is that really necessary?
My friend tells me to loosen up and allow myself to meet other people. I am open to meeting people but everyone still thinks I’m not making any efforts. Wetin dem want me to do, really? A part of me wants to meet a tall, intelligent, good man with a wicked sense of humour. But a part of me isn’t just ready for all that crap. Right now, I’m just all about the job and the money. My immediate need is a fabulous job and not a man. Chei. I suddenly sound like one f those women...But the thing is, I really do mean it oh!
I wish we could go back to the old method employed by our grandparents and great-grandparents where they just have wives and husbands shipped to them...they didnt have to think about dating nor heart breaks back then! Things were a lot easier, weren't they!
Anyway, I hope it's just a phase though...