Was listening to John Mayer’s “In Repair” last night before I went to bed. And it just so aptly described what I’m presently going through. According to him, “This is a song about being f**cked up but coming out of it. When you are a kid and you get a tennis ball to the nuts, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world but, as all men would tell you, there’s no better feeling than when it stops hurting!”
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh, it’s taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new look upon me
And now I’m walking in the park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It would be good to say you know me
I’m in repair
I’m not together but I’m getting there…
Anyways, I’m in one of those moods where I just want to curl up and stay in bed all day in a dark room. I should have actually written this last night. I think I was more in touch with sadness than I am now. It’s crazy when I get in this mood because one moment, I’m thinking I’m doing so well and have made so much progress in this Journey to Recovery but the next moment, I feel so shattered and feel such raw pain I wonder if I’ve made any progress at all. Being in a new town helps a great deal and I’m super glad I took the step to get out of PH. That was the first and major step. And there are days when I feel great for taking that decision. But days like today, I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. A deeply horrible rut. I wonder if I will ever be able to truly let go. When will I stop feeling this raw pain. Raw like someone is peeling the skin off my heart with a piece of metal. Just like we take the peels off bananas, each peel comes with its own peculiar pain. This pain is crazy, it affects my brain. I don’t even think I am typing anything coherent right now. But this is the only therapy I can think of. I have my earphones on and Yolanda Adam’s “The Battle Is The Lord’s” just came on. It says that
“There is no pain Jesus cant feel, there is no hurt that He cannot heal. All things work according to the Master’s purpose and his holy will. No matter what you are going through, remember that God only wants a chance to use you, it’s gonna be ok because God is only using you for His Glory..It says this battle is not mine. There’s no sadness Jesus cannot feel, there is no sorrow that the Master is not able and willing to heal. Remember that all things work, they’re not gonna be all good, but they shall work according to God’s purpose. He needs a chance to prove to the enemy that He is God. Hold on.Don’t give up. Step out on faith. This battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s. Understand that God knows what you need before you really need it. He knows how to hide you in the comfort of His arms. You’lll have peace that passeth all understanding. You’ll have joy like a river ever flowing. Tell the devil “This battle is not mine. I don’t have to fight it, God is gonna do it!. I’m so glad that God sees and He knows”…..End of song.
Sometimes, I feel the only way I’ll ever be able to truly forget about him (besides God), would be to fall in love again. To me, that is a big thing. I’m one of those people who take love very seriously. Perhaps, way too seriously. Once I’m in, I’m in completely. Immersed and soaked. But the challenge is getting in. Even when I was still normal (without the experience of a broken heart), I was super duper cautious, calculative and slow when it came to the love process. Not to talk of now wey dem don break my heart. E go hard. But then, I’m more mature now and I have a much clearer and well defined picture of what I want in/from a man. I believe this will be my saving grace because once I see a man who fits into what I want, I no go waste time unlike before. The problem is to see the man. The things I want are not too far-reached. It’s just unfortunate that I don’t meet people who have them.
Everyone thinks I’m locking myself up, putting up a wall, not letting anyone in etc because I’m still hurt from my past relationship. Whilst that is partially true, it isn’t entirely true. If I see what I want, I’ll consciously go for it, regardless of whatever hurt I might still feel from the past. I just use this as an excuse to ward off unsuitable suitors. I play the card of “Oh, I’m still heart broken, I need time to recover, I need time to find myself, I need to breathe bla bla bla” Whilst these are all true, the second I meet someone I share a connection with, all that wont matter anymore.
In my last two paragraphs, I think I sounded more rational and logical unlike the beginning. Maybe it’s because I just had my bath and I’m about to go out and enjoy my weekend. See how I just spent a good part of my Saturday morning wallowing in negativity. I’m ashamed of myself. I should be engaging myself in more fruitful things jare! A beautiful weekend to me!
I did have a good weekend eventually...