Tuesday, December 6, 2016

It is totally shocking how life can just abruptly change and yet we are unaware of it.

I sit here at a few minutes past 1 am, exhausted and sleep-deprived as hell, yet I cannot sleep!

This is the same me who was dozing off this money right after drinking two cups of coffee!

The past two weeks have been crazy for me - I have been working my butt off to ensure the successful completion of two major projects.

I sit here in my living room, listening to random music, flipping through facebook and restless as hell! I have been horribly frustrated in the past week....

I have the weird feeling of doom and gloom. Oh yeah, I'm being dramatic..but am I really?

I feel grossly under-accomplished....yet I have ticked off 80% of my goals for 2016. Maybe I'm crazy?

No I am not. I am just a woman who is terribly frustrated by her husband right now. Normal, you say? Perhaps. Except that this is by no means a normal feeling.

I feel like I am in a dark hole...or maybe it's a drum...I'm not quite sure...but it definitely isn't a well as I am not drowning.....but I feel out of air, out of breath. I need oxygen. I need saving.

Maybe I should go back to God.?

Not like I left. But who am I kidding? I did leave. No concrete reason...I just got tired of pastors and double standards. Christians and their unchristianly behaviour. Yeah, who am I to judge? Bla bla

I'm not judging...I just got tired of being in what I thought was a deceptive bubble. Still think it is.

But what has that got to do with God? He has nothing to do with the deception of men.

I miss God. Is that a normal thing to say? I'm not quite sure.

Maybe I should go back to Him and He will save me from this horrible feeling of doom.

Maybe it isn't so bad....maybe this is the sleep deprivation talking...maybe I'm just making excuses.

Deep down, I know the doom is real.

Dang. Some of it definitely has to be sleep deprivation.

I miss writing. I used to enjoy writing so much. What happened to me? I feel like I'm slowly losing myself - losing my true essence. I shouldn't let that happen.

I worry too much - about everything and everyone. Not good. I'm gonna have to start letting my hair down and enjoying life.

I mean, I do enjoy life. I am generally a happy girl - contradictory to the gloom abi?

Maybe it's the sleep deprivation afterall. Maybe not.

I think I have a little crase in me that I have decided to express this night.

Truth is, I miss writing so much and I haven't done it in a while so my fingers have gotten a little too excited.

I just realised I posted last almost three years ago. Dang, girl! What do you do with all your time?!

My last post talked about my baby - she's a big girl now with established opinions on various subjects and she's also a big sister to her chop chop little brother.

They are my rainbow.

I hope I come back here soon, and more frequently. I promise to be more coherent.


  1. Sister I will remain anonymous, you still probably might guess who this is, but I will take my chances .. lol, its not by error am here reading this and leaving a comment, what's the chances that I will end up reading your blog just a few days you made a post,when almost after 3 years of not writing zilch! HE must have lead me here so I must say it before I leave. Anyway to the point, when you wrote "Maybe I should go back to God.?" you probably didn't mean this literally, but regardless that for me says a lot, but my dear sister you can't go back to who never left you my dear, God is always there, I dey even use you give testimony manytimes of what God can do..lol - But what I would say is search within you would find HIM. The J, I knew even though it was briefly was a human spark! its in your eyes and those of us who are bold enough to have looked you in the eye would have seen it - all that passion. I may not make too much sense here, but all I am saying is this, life don't beat women of your type,you are too smart, strong, beautiful to let anything or feeling cast a shadow on you. Not every woman must be great or do great things but I dare say, its Women like you shape the world BUT never take God out of the equation- so my advice, take it easy on yourself, keep pushing yourself to achieve but don't get too close to the edge - enjoy everything, even the unenjoyable, its a learning process. And please go to church !!! thats an order soldier -forget what so ever despicable acts you see,read about or hear some christians or pastors do, if you do search the scripture we all were forewarned such would happen. This days its fashionable for people to pride them self and say things like , am not a religious person - but I say - your religion is what you make it - it's either faith (a genuine way of life) or dogmatism - big word abi..lol. Anyway madam J, I know you somehow get my gist -So Ride On Power woman, and God the father,the word Jesus Christ and his Holy spirit will fill you with Joy,wisdom and strength even in the midst of a gloomy period -

  2. na wah oh jessy..u still not back posting ? anyway hope its all good ? from the same last anonymos poster